This Is Not a Complaint Log
This post might read like I’m complaining. I promise I’m not. It’s more of an inventory. Turning any milestone age makes me reflective, and turning 40 made me think about my body in particular. These are just things I’ve noticed. I’m sharing them in case someone else is noticing the same things and wondering if it’s just them.
I probably notice physical changes more because of my profession. As a choreographer, I’m moving a lot. And if I’m not moving, I’m thinking about moving. I also feel a general societal pressure to keep my vessel in decent shape. On top of that, the algorithm gods seem deeply aware of my insecurities and are constantly advertising quick-fix products to address problems I didn’t know I was supposed to be panicking about.
It feels like an era of perceived change. I think I need to accept that. I’m willing to, but I also think naming some of these things out loud makes me more comfortable sitting with them.
Stretch Marks, But Make Them Informational
Before the pandemic, I was in decent shape. During the pandemic and a bit after, I ballooned up to 188 pounds. I’m 4’11”, so it really showed. One evening, my stomach started itching. A lot. I went to the bathroom thinking maybe I was having an allergic reaction. Instead, I saw a scratched-up, warm-feeling belly.
Naturally, I googled.
That’s when I realized I was in the early stages of developing stretch marks from rapid weight gain. I told myself I was going to do everything I could to get back to a healthy weight. I did, and in the process, I earned a few tiger stripes.
They don’t bother me. But when I touch my stomach, I feel them. I think of them as a friendly reminder that I noticed what was happening and took care of myself before things got too out of hand.
Standing Up Now Comes With Sound Effects
I’m not sure if this is a regional thing or just an age thing, but anytime I stand up, there’s a noise. It’s almost like the sound is what completes the movement.
There’s no pain. It’s more a vocal punctuation mark. A small groan, a sigh, a noise of effort. I think part of it is psychological. I used to stand up without thinking. Now there’s a brief moment where I wonder if something is going to crack or if my back is going to be fine. It always is, but the noise has already escaped.
Skin That Immediately Tells on Me
I didn’t really have a skincare routine in my 20s. In my 30s, I started moisturizing regularly, mostly because I randomly learned that skin is our largest organ and felt morally obligated to care for it.
Now, if I don’t put moisturizer on my face immediately after a shower, my skin lets me know. It doesn’t whisper. It feels dry in a way that’s hard to ignore, like it’s trying to turn into desert sand. Moisturizer is no longer a nice extra step. It’s non-negotiable. I don’t use anything fancy. I just use it consistently.
Facial Hair I Did Not Request
For a long time, women having facial hair wasn’t something you talked about. You just handled it quietly. I’ve always been aware of my mustache because my hair is naturally dark. Over time, I’ve actually appreciated the push toward normalizing women having facial hair. I’m a mammal. I have body hair. This part doesn’t bother me.
What I am noticing in my 40s are the thick, rogue witch hairs that appear out of nowhere. I’ll leave the house with a smooth face. Hours later, I’ll touch my chin at dinner and feel a hair that seems like it’s been growing there for months.
I’ll immediately start messing with it, trying to yank it out with my fingers, which of course makes it curl. Then I’ll excuse myself, hunt for tweezers, and pluck it like it personally betrayed me. This one took a little longer to accept, but I have accepted it.
My Body No Longer Enjoys the Cold
I’m from the Mitten. I grew up with winters. I remember being ten years old, running around in the snow without a coat, while my parents yelled at me to put one on before I got pneumonia. I used to look forward to Michigan winters.
Now, the cold chills me to my bones. Walking from a building to my car feels dramatic, regardless of whether it’s 20 degrees or negative 15. Cold is cold. I used to never zip my coat. Now I zip my parka before I even step outside. I have, on more than one occasion, considered moving to another state.
Just Some Things I’ve Noticed
These are just a few things I’ve noticed now that I’m 40. It’s interesting how easily we fall into routines without ever examining them until we stop and look.
Are these things I’m trying to fix? Maybe. Kind of. I’m not totally sure. For now, I’m mostly paying attention. I’m thankful I’m here, and I’m going to keep taking the best care of myself that I can, noises, witch hairs, and all.
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