The Most Stable Male Relationship of My Life: My Dog Jax
I wanted to wait until I was “ready” to talk about Mr. Jax, but I’ve realized I’ll never truly be ready. Eighteen years of love is hard to condense into words. Still, I’d rather share my experience now than never share it at all. This is a tribute to my first and only dog, my constant companion, and one of the greatest loves of my life, Jax.
If you’ve found this post, I’m going to assume you’re dealing with making heavy choices regarding your fur baby. Aside from helping me grieve, I am writing this to help those who are on the fence about in-home euthanasia.
Meeting Mr. Jax
Mr. Jax was my Pekingese dog, and I had the privilege of loving him for the last 18 years. Pekingese dogs belong to the Toy Group, and when fully fluffed, their front and back ends are almost indistinguishable. Simply put: a super cute small dog. Whenever I showed people pictures of him, no one was surprised he was mine.
I got Jax as a present for my 21st birthday, and he was my very first dog. Pekes are infamous for being stubborn and bonding primarily with one person, so I worked hard to expose him to different people and situations. I didn’t want him to grow up to be a little grump! Luckily, my paranoia paid off. He was social, sweet, and only barked when he truly wanted something. . . or when something seemed off (like the mannequin head I put on the countertop with a wig I once had to style for a show).
He was stubborn at times, yes, but I always understood where he was coming from. When it came to food, he was incredibly picky. He’s the only dog I’ve ever known to actually turn his nose up at a steak.
Our Life Together
Jax was with me through it all — college years, breakups, divorce, and so many personal transitions. He was always there, waiting to give and receive love. Honestly, he was the most stable male relationship I’ve ever had. That’s why the loss still feels so heavy.
Raising a puppy is magical, but I wish I thought more about how challenging it can be when dogs grow old. After Jax turned 15, my worry for him increased. He developed glaucoma, endured a tooth abscess, hurt his back a few times, and eventually developed a growth on his eye that caused blindness. During that time, I felt like I was grieving him even while he was still here — worrying about his appetite, his medications, and whether I was doing enough.
The Last Days
Eventually, Jax’s journey began to wind down. His last days weren’t filled with vet visits, but he couldn’t walk anymore and needed our help with everything. I prayed for a clear sign of when it would be time. That sign came when he began refusing food — the one thing he had always been particular about.
His last meal was a 10oz New York Strip steak, which he happily devoured. The next day, we had an at-home euthanasia appointment. I barely slept the night before, binge-watching Queer Eye on an air mattress next to him in the living room.
That morning, Thursday January 23, 2025, I wasn’t emotional until the vet arrived. When I opened the door and she said, “Hello, I’m Dr. Stacii. I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances,” and I just burst into tears. I knew the tears would come. I just wasn’t expecting them to surge the way they did. Dr. Stacii was so amazing and she clearly, is in the vocation meant for her.
If you’re able to, I highly recommend in-home euthanasia. Jax was in his favorite spot, surrounded by love, and I didn’t feel like my grief was on a schedule. The euthanasia procedure was explained and process was fast and peaceful. I was worried he’d be uncomfortable when needles were involved because he had a rough go around when he got his last rabies shot. She provided Jax with an additional sedative to make him more comfortable. I cried throughout, but I knew it was the kindest choice we could make.
Afterward, we were able to take a hair lock and a paw print cast. He was placed in a cozy basket and sent off with dignity. We weren’t rushed. Everything felt oddly perfect, considering the situation. That Sunday, a representative from the pet crematorium dropped off Jax and gave his sincere condolences.
Life After Jax
After 18 years of daily routines — strict feeding and medication schedules — I suddenly found myself with empty time. The house felt quieter, heavier. Even though Jax wasn’t loud, his presence always filled the space. I started wondering if I had done enough as his mama.
Jax’s pet sitter said something to me before his passing that made that invasive thought less cutting. When her first cat passed and she’d have a moment where she felt like she didn’t do enough, she’d look at the stack of vet bills she kept to keep things in perspective. Anytime I feel like I didn’t do enough, I look through the binder I curated over the years with every one of his vet papers. I see all the little beds and blankets I got to keep him comfortable. And I remind myself: 18 years is a blessing. I can’t expect more time than that.
Loving and Saying Goodbye to My Dog, Mr. Jax
Mr. Jax wasn’t just my dog — he was my family, my companion, and my constant source of love through nearly two decades of my life. Grieving him has been hard, but I wouldn’t trade a single moment we shared. Writing this feels like another way to keep his memory alive.
If you’re financially able to have your fur baby pass in the comfort of their home, I highly recommend it. It’s such a hard decision to make, but one that must be made. We used Lap of Love. After connecting with other vets, Lap of Love really took the time to know our situation and address all concerns I had regarding Jax’s comfort. They also provided resources regarding the grief of losing a beloved pet.
Jax declined quickly and this was the fastest option for us. One of my friends also did in-home euthanasia, and they had the opportunity to arrange for their vet to make a house call. It was also considerably more affordable.
If you’ve ever loved and lost a pet, you know that they stay with us forever, in our homes, in our hearts, and in the little ways they changed us for the better.
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