I’ve been busy juggling work and my mother’s affairs. Things have been stressful. Lately, I’ve noticed a small shift. I’m joking more. My texts to my boyfriend aren’t just about the estate or logistics. They sound more normal. I’m not letting the loss eat away at me the way it was a month ago.
My sense of time feels less frantic. I’m not checking my calendar constantly. As I get closer to resolving some of the pressing things, I’ve started to relax, slowly. As a result, I finally bought clothes for myself for the first time since my mother’s funeral.
I’ve lost a significant amount of weight over the last two years, and when it came time for the funeral, I wanted to be dressed well. My mom was a fashionista. I didn’t want to embarrass her spirit. Since then, I’ve been living in baggy clothes and leggings. It’s not cutting it. Everything is ill-fitting, and it makes me feel as disheveled as I probably look.
So during some downtime, I bought myself clothes in my actual size. It’s not monumental. It was just a small thing I did for myself that made me feel better.
Buying Clothes in My Correct Size
Left to my own devices, I probably would’ve kept buying clothes that were too big. My boyfriend was the one who encouraged me to get something more flattering. He wasn’t wrong. I was tired of looking like a blob and feeling like everyone else was seeing the same thing. Mostly, I didn’t want to be let down. I couldn’t handle rejection from clothes.
I was shopping online, which already comes with risk. I took out my tape measure, followed the size guide, added everything to my cart, and checked out. Unless their sizing chart was wildly wrong, this should have worked. I felt cautiously optimistic and reminded myself I could always return everything if it went sideways.
Your Package Has Arrived
When the packages showed up on my stoop, I brought them inside and promptly avoided them. I found a few chores that didn’t actually need to be done and did them anyway. I wasn’t in the mood to be disappointed.
At this point in my life, I just wanted a few small wins. Trying on clothes felt like a gamble I wasn’t ready to take right away.
The Part That Surprised Me
The clothes fit. That was the surprise.
Even after measuring and seeing all the evidence, I still braced myself. Instead of fighting the fabric, I put the clothes on and they worked with me. The fit wasn’t the whole battle. The outfit was actually flattering. I was happy with what I saw in the mirror.
What This Actually Says About Me Right Now
This wasn’t about weight as much as honesty. When my weight gain started, I avoided it by wearing baggy clothes. Once it began affecting my daily life, I addressed it. Even after that, I held onto comfort out of habit. Bigger clothes felt easier. Being presentable felt like too much effort for that period of my life.
Now, I’m more comfortable with who I am. I’m relearning that what I wear can reflect that instead of hide it. I put a lot of pressure on myself years ago to dress a certain way just to fit in. It wasn’t necessary then, and it’s not now. I’m still figuring out what my style looks like, but at least I know what size I am.
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